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Thursday, November 1st, 2007
7:09 pm - Welcome CJ
Wanted to let you all know officially that Christian J has arrived!!!

Born 10.17.07- 9:47pm
7lbs 2 ounces
19 inches long
brown hair
eye color not sure yet since all babies have blue eyes when they are first born

Affter a long 12 hour labor that was all worth it. He is the most beautiful baby ive seen and he's all mines hehe well his daddy's too for those of you who know the story. But the picture perfect family looks good so far. I thought I was in love before but having him has made me realize that there is no greater love. This feeling isthe most grandious love. Hes a very quiet baby eats every 3 to 4 hrs and sleeps most of the night. Some say he looks like me. Most say he looks like Ry so lets see as time goes by.  Both genes are good lol. All I know is that he illuminates my days. And warms up my nights.:

current mood: relieved

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Monday, August 27th, 2007
10:19 pm - Paint me a memory

Green baby green

Hey guys!!!!

I finally have some time so I thought i’d updated yalll.. I know I havent been answering the phone calls and all. We have been pretty busy with the new job and the baby and the house all of those good things that happen to happy people hehe!

Today has been a very busy day. I went to Home Depot today and bought paint and supplies so that Mumbelz and I could paint the babys room. We decided to go with this light green color called “Spring Morn” or something like that because it looked like a really nice light color that would go well with the pastel colors in the bedding and not be “boring” like just plain white. Well we cleared out the room and patched the holes from the shelving etc and then after Mumblez cut in around the trim, I followed and painted with the roller. After 2 coats of paint we’re rethinking the color because sometimes it looks good and sometimes it looks kinda flourescent! *sigh*

 And for those of you who have been asking, the baby is doing well, definitely moving a lot more and keeping me up and night but it’s really neat sometimes. Last night I put my phone on my belly and watched it bounce around and he moved and kicked :) Last week I had a Dr’s appointment and they told me that my weight is on track (i’ve only gained 12 pounds so far) but that my belly measurement is a little large so they were worried about him being a little too big which may be a sign of gestational diabetes. So on Monday I had to go in for a 3 hour glucose test. They took a vial of blood when I first got there and then 30 minutes later I had to drink this really sugary bottle of orange flavored stuff that tasted like melted popcicle with about 4 cups of sugar dumped in it, ucky!!! Then an hour later they drew blood again, and then later another vial, and then one more. I was there for almost 4 hours and had 4 vials of blood drawn, needless to say I didnt feel very good afterwards. But i’m assuming good news because I havent heard anything from the Dr yet and usually if it’s a problem they call, I have another appointment on tuesday so i’ll find out for sure then.

Ooooo I also found out that my baby shower has been planned :) It was supposed to be a surprise but my friend told me she got the invitation in the mail yesterday so of course I asked her when and where it was, plus I made Mumblez tell me too cuz I kinda have to know so that I can shower and be ready for it ya know? I cant go to my baby shower looking like a scrub can I??? It’s still kind of a surprise though because I dont know who is coming or what we’re doing or how it’s going to be decorated or anything like that, I just know when and where it’s going to be and I have about a month to wait so it’s going to be agonizing! I totally cant wait! :)

current mood: hyper

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Thursday, July 26th, 2007
4:54 am - My baby
I had to let you go for many reasons I lied once more so you could hate me. But now there is a new stage in my life where Ive grown to be a woman. With a new reason to live for. he needs me and Is the most prescious thing I could feel inside me. The seed that he left behind and one hope of being happy with something that belongs only to me.

current mood: Baby is kicking

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Saturday, March 17th, 2007
4:16 am - Nothing is what it seems

Shallow only leads to lies

erything is part of the illusion your mind wants to create. If you want it to be real. It will be given wings . If you don't believe. Then its never been there. As far as you want to take it is as far as it will go. So I ask you... Am I real? Do I live in your illusions or am I really part of you? Am I where you want me to be? Or where I really belong? Are you wishing I was somewhere else? Your thoughts entice me and I will go as far as you take me.

current mood: Whats your truth?

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Monday, February 5th, 2007
7:36 am - Gone
Heaven smiles today at your arrival. I will smile like you asked me to. There so many pieces you left behind. Me, being the biggest one. Not knowing what to do now that is all real. Forgive me for all that you needed that I couldn't give you. I know Ive been forgiven but this fault I must carry in my chest for the rest of my life.
You were merely a test of how much I needed to relocate myself. Look around and treasure what I have. Your prescence will be so missed by all of those who knew your true self. There is an empty hole around me. On my sofa and my bed. In my car when I drive on the mirror only shadows of who we were. It was all supposed to be this way but you can never be ready to lose someone that's meant so much. Half of you was me and you've taken it with you.
I became dependant of your affection, your love, your touch, your company.. all of you.
Now you've left me only but memories. They are treasured in my heart forever.
 You are  now in a better place. And I can not write anymore.

current mood: silence

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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
11:34 pm - Drop the ball for 2007
I finally got to see Blood Diamond. And the best part is that I got paid to see it. Isn't that the dream job of you all? I am so in love with Leonardo Di Caprio like a 15 yr old kinda crush.  My God he is gorgeous. He is more handsome now that ever. Is it cuz he's getting older and has that manly look on him like I just wanna bite him and tear him up haha!
But why does he keep dying at the end of his movies?
My aunt called to let me know they are on their way from New Jersey so I will be  coming to CT after work tomorrow. After that my parents, then we are having a slumber party at my place. Pizza, champagne, all girls yayy! oh yeah that's including all the guys that think they are girls.
We will be spending our first day of our new year together. I'm so excited and can't wait.
Lets all have a splendorous new year filled with health and happiness.

current mood: crazy

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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
5:48 am - yuck!
im shick

I had a great time with my family on Christmas, received many present and was able to see the faces of happiness when I handed out mines. I wore my new dress and to end it up I now have a cold. Had  a very crappy day at work and I will stay home tomorrow. The taste of cough drops is making me sick not sure which one is worse. On the bright side I get to play with my new Ipod that I never asked for but my brother got for me anyway's. I have no clue on how to use it but I'm slowly learning. The only purpose that I see on its that I get to carry my music everywhere
History shows that a person's life is full of turbulence, changes, and the unexpected.
As a result of all that, there are times a person is "down", and usually, there are also times a person is "up".
What one can expect, is like the sea. Once you get to the top of a wave, you can reasonably expect, not to stay there for very long.
This gives reason for hope that when you're at the bottom, you will get a boost for the better as time progresses. But is it really so?
Once you're down, can you really rely on life's symmetry to pull you back up? Can it really give you a boost that is equal to the blow you just received?
Sometimes it's just too hard to hope, and believe that..
Life and the world, in my eyes, are a set of weights and balances. Nature always strives for a balance. But balance is constantly challenged. Can it really be maintained for long?

current mood: all crappy and shit

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Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
8:25 pm - I am not a very bad person, Just missunderstood
Just incase you forgot, I am Bandiger, Hunter Of Hearts. I am not a very bad person... Just missunderstood.
Seven Notions of Sleep
This poem is dedicated to everyone who has experienced insomnia at some stage in their life. Hope it gets your mind going.

- Seven Notions of Sleep -

1st notion.

Why sleep when you could
Be using your time to do
Something else, something
Constructive, helpful or fun?

2nd notion.

Why get out of bed on a
Sunday morning when you can
Rest your weary weekday bones
And forget about the world?

3rd notion.

Why ever wake up to
A world as vulgar and
Repulsive as the one
We live in today?

4th notion.

Where does sleep begin
And consciousness end?
Why dream if we need
Our minds to rest?

5th notion.

There’s plenty of time for
Sleeping when I’m dead,
You have to live
For the moment.

6th notion.

Just one more hour,
I was up late last night,
It won’t matter anyway,
It won’t do me any harm.

7th notion.

Rejuvenation and a break from reality,
An excuse to lower our constant defences,
A way to stop a night of sex,
A chance to let the subconscious be conscious.

current mood: relaxed

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2:02 am - Santa baby

First of all Merry Chriskwanuka for all. This means Christmas Kwanza and Hannukah seeing that religion is a big fact now when it comes to Christmas Ive decided to make that up. When I say it people look at me like "what?"

I went to see Charlottes web as part of my second job. I never read the book as a child but I heard so many people say that the movie was nothing like the book. Who knows?
I liked it, although I wish I could have paid those 10.00 bucks to see Blood Diamond with yummy Leo. He was awesome on The Departed. I will be going to a family reunion on X mas day and spend X mas eve at my friends since my brother is dressing like Santa this year it will be so much fun. I wouldn't miss it for the world.


current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, December 14th, 2006
12:58 am - Sombra negra

Los años que pasan me pesan,
me pesa en el alma
y la ponen a tus pies
Si al besarme me diste la vida
al marcharte llevaste mi ser

Yo pase tanto tiempo intentando
fingir ser mas tonta
olvidando el ayer
Que el amor de mi vida es un pacto
el me quiere y yo le trato bien

Pero a veces me descucbre
ordenando veinte veces
los libros, las copas, las cartas, la alcoba
y sospecha con miedo qué está en esta estrofa

Y no sabe cuantos cuentos cuento por disimular

Y es que si yo te recuerdo me paso las horas cantando,
mi vida sucede y los días le ceden el paso
a la voz castigada sin voto desde hace ya años
de mi corazón cansado de gritar.

Si bien dije el día en que tu llegaste
hoy me gasto la boca en pedirme perdón
por las veces que intento besarte
mientras beso a quien es hoy mi amor

y es que maldito seáis los fantasmas
jugáis con ventaja doléis de verdad
aunque luego os vistáis de mentira
y por eso no os pueda atrapar

pero a veces si no mira nadie
cerrando los ojos lanzo un beso al aire
y luego suspiro y despacio imagino
que allí donde quiera que estés amor mío
aterriza en tus labios y piensas un poco en mi.

Y es que si yo te recuerdo me paso las horas cantando,
mi vida sucede y los días le ceden el paso
a la voz castigada sin voto desde hace ya años
de mi corazón cansado de gritar.

Y es que a veces no puedo evitar que se escapen volando
mis mil mariposas que sueñan contigo a diario
una dolencia les abre la celda y te ves llorando
si prometen que en segundos volverán ...
a la realidad.
La Oreja de Van Gogh
Cuantos cuentos cuento

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Sunday, December 10th, 2006
11:44 am - Hello friends
In our trip to Westfield we had a blast didn't we all? I just havent had any plans on writing it here. But it seems like we wont be going back there anymore.. sniff! Mark's parents sold the house and that was the last party we would throw there. But good news is that Mark will be moving to Vermont so he is closer to us yayy! and we are all planing a get away trip to Vermont in February . We are going skiing baby! I have no clue on how I will do this but I want to learn so bad. I think is pretty much about balance so If that's so then I wont be so bad. That's if we get any snow. It seems like this year we are way behind our snow schedules. Not that I am complaining or anything I really hate it and I wish there was no snow at all. But that doesn't take away the sad reality that we get a lot of snow during the winter and very cold, dry yucky, depressing days.

current mood: drained

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Saturday, December 9th, 2006
4:37 am - Come and go
So many things have been on my mind and I haven't had any time to post anything . Many excuses really because if I really wanted to make the time I would have done it. But I sometimes don't know how to word things. People get on my nerves and I analyze and analyze and the conclusion remains the same. Changing someone is never in my plans and accepting them is always a goal. But some people I can not learn to comprehend.

 In the day
In the night
Say it all
Say it right
You either got it
Or you don't
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Do you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonite you tonite

From my hands I could give you
Something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
2:32 am - Lets not forget
Its been a year since I've started writing in this journal. I remember because the first entry was Thanksgiving is for cats lol. My ordeal on thanksgiving of last year with an allergic reaction to the cat. It is funny when I think about it now. I haven't written much lately. Just pretty much posted songs that have touched me somehow. School is back and with it all the stress. It seems like no matter how many breaks I take it only gets worse.  2 more years God it seems to never end. As for work I am doing 2 jobs now with mentally challenged adults it is so satisfying and I can not get enough of it. The second job pretty much is just to spend time with people who need a companion. Their families can not spend time with them, run errands or simply have fun together. So here is when I come in. And it is just as rewarding as if I was getting paid big bucks for it. 
I am really going to try to get back into writing even if I have no memory or recollection of good feelings anymore.

current mood: optimistic

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
3:51 pm - You meant
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
3:15 am - Starved

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Thursday, November 9th, 2006
4:19 am - Between love and hate
Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

current mood: apathetic

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Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
5:00 am - We still live in pages , love


The muse is gone. And so I write no more. Pittyful I know but is one of those night when I hate the fact of loving someone who is not ... fuck it! I dont want to write about my daily activities there is no such fun in them..

What doesn't overcome me, makes me stronger.
What doesn't destroy me, gives me experience.
What doesn't encourage me, is left by the wayside.
What doesn't give hope, is a dark empty hole... 

Fuck the grammar ont his one. I just wrote it and im not going to edit it it is 4 am and the clocks have now changed.
We're young and we're passionate.
we love. we live. we fight. we conquer. we exist.
though saying we exist isn't simply enough, we exist, and some of us validate this existence daily through actions, through words.
we use our gifts and we use our love, and we fight for existence, and we laugh and we swear by our hearts that this is how it "Will always be."

we mash our lips together and beg for the moment to be eternal.
I understand that love is desperate and brutal.
I understand that sometimes, just loving someone isn't always enough.

as much as we like to believe it is, it isn't.
love simply isn't enough. crying "I love you baby, please don't leave" won't keep your partner. It won't and thats the bitter truth.

and as much as we believe that it is, and as much as we wait and pray, and scheme to get our loves back, we have to eventually face the fact that love quite simply isn't enough.

"But we're soul mates. I know it." and this is the point where I bite my tongue, kick the dirt and respond with a "Sometimes we love so hard it hurts, and sometimes our love goes un rewarded and I'm sorry."

and my theory is that our love never goes to the people who deserve it. this isn't true all the time, but a majority of the time, our love goes to the people who won't accept it. who won't appreciate it. who will talk behind our backs and say:

"so fucking easy.", "I never really loved her"

and that is fucking sad. sad, I tell you, fucking sad. 

sometimes our love doesn't necessarily go to the ones who deserve it. the beautiful people, with beautiful souls, but it goes to the ones who need it the most. who need it to grow, but won't realize how good they had it until they're staring back months down the line wishing they had a safety. wishing they had safety in someones arms.

and most of the time, these wonderful souls will never receive the love they deserve, because its going to the assholes who deserve it the least. it goes to the people who could careless about it. we stay stuck on the ones who won't respect it, and in turn we aren't respected and we end up complaining "oh, everyone shits on me" when in truth, if you didn't want to be shitted on, you'd stop loving the sorry motherfucker that runs over you.

but then again.
this is never intentional.
we have no control of our hearts, of our love, and this sucks more than anything else in the world.

..but one day our hearts will latch onto the right person, the person who deserves our love, the person who deserves to be loved, and this will only happen when we know who we are. what we want, and what we need.

only once we grow.

then and only then will our fragile hearts have a chance.


my heart has been given and has gave many chances.


Quod Me Nutrit, Me Destruit
Buts he makes me pretend Ive forgotten.
She and I walk hand in hand
In spirit and in harmony
And tenderly with carefulness
Feed each other with pain
And broken promises aloud
In shards of spoken melody
Sometimes life is just too full of memories and you have to stand in the rain or float along on the tide for awhile to make them wash away.

Just sitting and breathing for awhile.

current mood: upset

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Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
2:49 am - Prescence

Exiting your prisoner embrace I only dare glance your way To feel the sudden end of this act Only to wish it all away You place upon a petdastool To show off to all your important contacts But you just dont know how to handle me That is all true facts You grasp my attention Only to let it frizzle out To keep me satisfied You must sustain thats no doubt Lending my prohibited body I extend to you the manual To reach the destinations Of which are pure sexual Tease me Love me Play with me Be coy with me Banish me Most of all Be complete with me Gentle fingertips Rush upon my skin Excited pleasures Explode deeply within Once you end You will never be finished with me Having me once Is like playing with extacy
The end

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Saturday, October 14th, 2006
2:20 am - Your reason is mines
I    used   to   know this  girl   who gave her   LOVE     away.  
To every guy she met  &   with    all   the GAMES they played. 
She never seemed to CRY, she never got  UPSET.    &     one
by one they CAME  &   one by one they  LEFT.   I thought that
I could FIX her, if she would let me in.                   But, all of my 
ADVANCES were shut down in the end.      When days turned
into months, I BEGGED her to explain &   this is what she sang
It's not like I'm a  SLxT,  or that I  really l ike to fxk.    I just want
EVERY boy I see to WALK AWAY with part of me. Until there's
nothing left to HOLD.       Until, there's nothing left to HATE.     I
appreciate your help.         But even you can't           SAVE  ME 
from  myself.  It's not like I am WEAK or that I don't know how to
LEAVE It's just that every time you CHEAT.       You bring me
closer to DEFEAT.   Until there's nothing  left  to   LOVE, until 
there's  nothing  left  to SAY,    I  know  that you   NEED    help

current mood: awake

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Friday, September 29th, 2006
4:44 am - Leatherface is back
Just in time for Halloween. 
I love
this movie I only expect that is as good as the first one.

current mood: silly

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